24 GAY PEOPLE's ChroniclĘ NOVEMBER 22, 1996

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2207 W. 11th Street 216/621-6166

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN PUTTING IT OFF! YOU WOULD RATHER NOT THINK ABOUT IT!

Without a Will, The State of Ohio decides what happens. Does the Legislature reflect the values and goals you have?

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An Ecumenical Service of Light, Hope and Healing... ...for Everyone affected by and infected with HIV.

World AIDS Day/December 1, 1996

5:00 p.m.

St. Paul's Episcopal Church

787 East Broad Street

The Rt. Rev. Kenneth L. Price (presiding)

Suffragan Bishop of Southern Ohio

Cosponsored by First English Evangelical Lutheran Church, Dignity/Greater Columbus, and the AIDS Commission of the Episcopal Diocese of Southern Ohio.

St. Paul's is wheelchair accessible. Overflow parking available at Broad Street Presbyterian Church. Call 2211703 to request disability-related accommodations.

BIG TIPS

My lover won't dance, not even a slow one

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

As I peck out these words, I have the flu. As survival demands, I'm pretty shameless about asking for help: I can respond to friends' polite offers of assistance, “Why yes, I would love it if you would bring me some flu drugs, and if you'd be so kind, a small box of lime Jell-O and a ripe banana, too."

Unfortunately, I have cultivated friends who care so much for me that they don't necessarily want to comply with my hamfisted attempts at self-care.

Now, I like a nice cold drug: one that sucks all the moisture out of your head until your eyeballs feel like little Necco wafer pancakes. My naturopathic pal Karyn, however, find dubious value in the Mojave Head healing program, so when she came over with a small paper bag, I was not surprised to find a wee vial of itty bitty sugar pill things, that to the best of my knowledge, could have been General Mills International Coffee powder rolled into tiny balls. (What was the name of that Parisian acupuncturist? Jean-Luc! Ha-haha...)

I was game and I swear I tried, but when another friend asked what I needed the next day, I begged for anything in a glowing gel-cap. She even got me the JellO, despite the fact that it's made of hooves (which I had to hear about). And when it really comes down to it, while neither treatment worked to any significant degree, the Jell-O performed.

Dear Big Tipper,

My lover won't dance, don't ask her. She's butch, and goes out dance clubs,

but she just sits at the bar and yaks with friends, or plays pool. She doesn't even want to talk about it. I don't expect her to become an expert line dancer or anything, but a slow dance or two would be nice. No Chance to Dance

Dear No Dance in Her Pants,

I would imagine a savvy butch would appreciate the opportunity to show her gal pal a good time, and let folks know what a fine thing she has going on, but these women can be mysterious. Is she worried that she's a terrible dancer? Next time you're going to grind horizontal, stay vertical for a while. Later you can tell her that's dancing (um, sort of).

On the other hand, she might just be having a good time with her friends. If she's got a crazy work schedule and bar time is the only time she has with them,

give her a break and bring your own girlfriends to shake it with. After cutting her a little slack, though, don't hesitate to use your femme wiles to get what you want. She might just want you to beg. You can make her beg later.

Dear Big Tipper,

My best friend is traveling for almost a year, and while I miss him terribly, that is not the problem. I am caring for his pet snake in his absence, and as we know, they don't eat Purina Snake Chow. They eat live mice.

It was a little easier a few months ago when the snake was smaller, and it was eating "pinks," very small, hairless mice, but now it's eating mice that look like cute little mice, and I'm the one who buys them at the pet store, puts them in the tank, and knows darn well what's going to happen.

This is bothering me more and more, and I have several months before my friend returns. I love the snake, but I can't help that this gets me down. Any suggestions? Mouse Killer

Dear Snake Snack,

Have you seen The Lion King? As the opening sequence unfolds, we are witness to prancing African Plains wildlife, gathering to offer an homage to the newborn future king of them all, Simba. As the credits sweep past, we hear the triumphant swell of the theme song, "The Circle of Life." This is obviously the high point of that circle for Simba's family, but one of the celebrants will no doubt be part of the christening buffet, a definite low point for that particular gazelle.

Things gotta die so other things can live. You can choose to avoid looking at that, eschew Slim Jims and leather shoes, and only have pets that eat those weird, bright hamster pellets, but it's still going on. It's okay to feel weird, but you are providing a living thing with needed sustenance.

Try not to look at Mr. Whiskers: have your friendly shopkeep pop him into a brown bag at the store, and shake him into the tank straight away when you get home, and don't look. And be grateful that the snake's not larger than it is: you could be dragging a live wildebeest into your living room and looking the other way.

Send your questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101; or fax to 216-631-1082; or e-mail Chron Ohio @aol.com.

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